China Daily Column: Let me count the ways I don't love thee, Pinyin

Ever since I spent three years in Taiwan as a child, I’ve wanted to learn Mandarin. 

I was supposed to do that at university but decided on Hindi. Then I was supposed to move to China after Japan but ended up in Lebanon for 20 years.

When I finally got here last year, I found a teacher, and got down to it, and after a year of on-again, off-again lessons – more the latter, sadly – I will be taking the HSK 2 exam this month. 

The process has been delightful. I struggle with tones, particularly in combination, but love learning new characters for the way they progressively unlock the world around me, but may I politely and respectfully say that I am less enamoured of Pinyin? 

Don’t get me wrong. A phonetic alphabet of some kind is needed to bridge the gap between spoken and written Chinese - even Chinese schoolchildren learn characters through Pinyin.

For foreign students, it’s essential, for learning characters, remembering tones (and thanks to pinyin-to-character keyboards) for using Chinese messaging apps practically from Day One, which for nerds like me is still quite the thrill.

However, Chinese schoolchildren already speak Chinese when they start learning characters. They also do not come to Pinyin with pre-existing notions of how Roman letters are pronounced. 

Most foreign students do, so when it comes to conveying the way a character is pronounced, Pinyin can be hurdle and helper. 

Take something simple, like the character for ‘ten’. It’s written in Pinyin as shí, the accent over the ‘i’ indicating that it is the second tone.

Forget the tone for a moment. As a non-native speaker, how would you pronounce that? Shee? Shy? Shih? The correct pronunciation is closer to ‘shir’. Did you get that from the Pinyin? No, I didn’t either. 

And what about ‘day’, which is written as ‘ri’? Ree? Rie? Actually, it’s an ‘urr’, the ‘i’ effectively absent. 

Obviously, Chinese has sounds that don’t transliterate easily, though I’m told that Zhuyin, the system that existed before Pinyin is much better are that. But pronunciation varies even in languages that use the Roman alphabet, so studying a new language usually means learning to pronounce letters you know one way, another way. I’ve done this before, so why does doing this with Pinyin bother me so?

In part, I think it’s the gap between certain letters and their Chinese pronunciations (yes, ‘c’, I’m looking at you), but it’s also a combination of factors. As a beginner, I’m juggling multiple tasks. I’m trying to recognize the characters, remember their meaning, pronunciation and tone, as well as figure out what the sentence means. 

Like a neon sign, Pinyin inexorably attracts the Roman alphabetised eye. Even printed in a smaller font, it overwhelms characters and as I struggle to reconcile Roman letters with Chinese sounds, the sentence I can read and understand in my mind comes out sounding like a car crash.

This might be no more than navel-gazing were Chinese not gaining global traction, but over 70 countries already include Mandarin in their national curricula and at the 530+ Confucius Institutes worldwide, tens of millions more learn it as a second language. 

Introduced after China’s Combat Illiteracy Campaigns of the 1950s, Pinyin was created principally to boost adult literacy, which stood at around. 20% in 1950. Today, that figure is around 96.8%, so it has obviously worked. 

But as China encourages the rest of the world to learn a beautiful, complex language that has been evolving for over 3,000 years, perhaps it’s time to revisit the way non-native speakers are taught to master the language 1.12 billion Chinese call the “common tongue”?


ChinaDaily Column: I can't believe I've waited this long to get an e-bike

I’d never driven before coming to China. 

Well okay, I had driven once before, but that was thirty years ago, when a friend and I were travelling around the Yucatan Peninsula in a bright orange VW Beetle. I didn’t have a car license then (and I still don’t have one now), but the wide, empty jungle roads made for easy driving, and with villages few and far between, I was happy to share the burden of driving.

Fast-forward to last year in Beijing. I arrived after 20 years in Lebanon, a country where driving makes sense given the poor public transportation system, but much less sense given the daredevil approach to driving. When I say that for the first six years I lived there, traffic lights were optional, this is because 95% of the time, they weren’t working, but then decades of driving during the long civil war had imbued the Lebanese with an unwillingness to stop at traffic lights, and the ability to navigate its narrow coastal and mountain roads with an ease and elan at speeds that would make an accomplished stunt driver blush.

In contrast, Beijing’s gleaming road network was practically Swiss in its regimentation, even if the flow of cars was idiosyncratic, and to some drivers, lights seemed to be a suggestion, not a command. 

As one of the world’s 6 billion carless, I’m quite accustomed to using public transport (when it’s available), to get around and so at first, I enjoyed being back in a city with an efficient bus and subway system. But soon, the combination of a relatively long commute and the desire to see more of my new home than my underground progression allowed, combined with the desire to be mask-free at least part of the day, had me considering other options.

With no license, and only a smattering of Mandarin, taking the test here didn’t seem feasible (although I have since learned that it’s possible to take the written part in English), so I decided to get an e-scooter.

My decision was met with (largely predictable) cries of “you must be mad!” and “are you sure you’re feeling quite right?” but clearly, I wasn’t the only one thinking along the same lines. The scooter I chose, a zippy black and red-striped number, was just one of 600,892 e-bikes (or ‘new energy’ bikes, as they’re also known) the company I bought it from sold last year, a 42% rise in sales year-on-year. Nor were they the only winners. Brands like Xinri Sunra and market leaders, Yaeda, also did very well, especially considering the complete COVID-related shutdown of Chinese industry during in the first quarter of 2020.

Accounting for almost 70% of all new electric scooter sales in the world, China also has the world’s largest domestic motorcycle market, and while sales of traditional motorcycles have been declining, after a temporary dip in response to tightened regulations a couple of years back, sales of e-bikes have rebounded, especially in urban areas, where mobility, the environment, rising disposable incomes and reticence to share space with others due to the pandemic are driving sales among young urbanites. E-scooters now account for almost 50% of China’s two-wheel market, a much quicker transition rate away from petrol than with cars, and by 2025, it’s estimated the domestic e-bike market will be worth $12.5 billion.

So, did I make the right choice? Despite a spill or two, yes. I love my scooter and the freedom it affords me. And the fact that I’ve also joined a fast-rising national and global trend is just the cherry on my cake.

China Daily Column: Beijing Tentatively Opens Up

It had been disabled at the start of the pandemic, with passage placed in the hands of the redoubtable Mr. Li, our sleepy, yet sharp-eyed baoan. Now suddenly, we were free to come and go at will. The joy with which I greeted this development surprised me, but perhaps Mr. Schwarzeneggar was right when, cigar between his teeth and steely look in his eyes, he declared that it is the “little victories that make you feel great”. This one was small, but it spoke of something much larger. Perhaps, I thought, we have turned the corner at last?

That feeling – of life resuming its pre-pandemic pace - was reinforced over the following days as Beijing overflowed with tourists. Never – for I arrived in March, 2020 – had I seen the streets so crowded, and the cafes so full of chatter. As I scootered around, basking in the year’s first real warmth, I noticed other changes. More people were unmasked, barriers at hutong and compound entrances were gone, and QR codes had become optional. As China celebrated spring, it truly felt like we’d been reborn. 

Admittedly, I didn’t arrive at the best of times. Landing 12 days before the borders closed to foreigners after a long, masked flight, I was eventually deposited in front of my designated quarantine hotel after an odyssey that involved much waiting, many, many temperature checks, serial swabbing, transiting to the pandemic processing centre and finally, registration by hotel employees dressed like extras from a television hospital drama. From Beijing Capital to the Huiqao Hotel in deepest Hepingli, took 12 gruelling hours. 

When I relayed my experience the following morning to overseas friends, few of whom had, at that point, experienced the virus control innovations with which we were all to become so intimate, I fielded expressions of shock and solidarity, as well as cautious enquiries as to the state of my mental health. Was I quite sure, several asked, if moving to China in the middle of an epidemic was the most sensible choice?

Personally, I’d never doubted. Even as I enjoyed that last, care-free day in London, I wondered how much longer it would be before reality hit. Back then, most of my compatriots still thought of COVID as a Chinese or Asian problem, even though Italy and France were already being ravaged, but it seemed obvious that the 34 kilometers of water between Dover and Calais weren’t going to keep this virus at bay. China was still in the midst of an outbreak, but at least there, I thought, they had started taking the situation seriously. 

Soon, it became my turn to check on friends, offer solace and positivity (and sadly in some cases question, to their sanity, too), and to speak tactfully about my new adventures in a way that didn’t remind anyone they weren’t having any of their own. 

A year and a bit on, I can honestly say that short of spending this last year in Antarctica, or low-earth orbit, there’s no better place to have ridden things out.

Don’t get me wrong. Even as I type this, I know the pandemic is not over. Some countries are still being ravaged – I speak often to my relatives in India about exactly this. I also know that however normal things are here now, situations can change. The virus is still out there, still spreading, still mutating. Now is not the time to celebrate, but as the New Normal endures in Beijing, it does feel mighty good to be able to breathe freely once again.

 

Blog: Free at Last (with apologies to Rev. Martin Luther King)

Where do I even start? 

So much has happened in the last few weeks, that it feels more like two months have passed. Or two years. Sprung from quarantine on the 31st of March, I emerged from the 12 square metre room that had been the extent of my world for the previous 14 days, blinking and pallid, like Rip van Winkle awaking after a hundred year sleep. For you see, unlike ‘lockdown’ elsewhere in the world, quarantine in China means that you do not leave your room. At all. Not for a walk. Not for ‘essentials’. Not for anything. You can imagine then, that to finally be able to step into the hotel corridor, and then (gasp) to make my way downstairs and outside, well, it felt like I was being born again.

Hallelujah.

From the tender confines of the Huiqiao Hotel, I was whisked away in the back of a cab to my new hotel, the 5L, opposite the China World Mall, in the heart of Beijing’s skyscraper district and a hop and a skip from my new office at the Esheresque CCTV Building.

As with the bus to the Huiqiao from the Airport, the cab driver was separated from me by a thick sheet of plastic, and as I sat in the back – fully-masked naturellement – goggling out of the window at my new home as our America friends might say, like a hick in from the haystacks, I had a brief 70s flashback, and for just a moment, I imagined I had traded places with The Boy in the Bubble. 

Deposited at the 5L and after having presented my quarantine certificate and had my temperature taken, I found myself in another hotel room, this one much larger, with a double bed, a view of glass towers, and best of all, a door I could open and close at will. 

The sun was shining, the air was crisp and I had the freedom to wander. So I did. That first day, I mostly wandered around what’s referred to as the CBD, the Central Business District, which is every bit as vertical, thrusting and glassy as its name suggests.

There were relatively few people on the streets, and even fewer cars. Shops were open, though no one was shopping, and when I stopped at a café for lunch, I had to rouse the sleeping staff, and was the only one to eat. I did briefly wonder how long it had been since they’d seen another customer.  

The office was still out of bounds. Though my official quarantine was over, CGTN had decided I should spend another two weeks (and in the end, almost three) self-isolating, before being allowed in to work.

And so, as I had been doing at the Huiqiao, I worked from the hotel room, battling abysmally slow Internet when I used the VPN for anything. It was this, more than anything that spurred me to find a place to rent, and so after a couple of false starts, I did and just over a week after moving into the hotel, I moved into my new home.

I now live in what is known locally as a ‘loft’ apartment, which means that my bedroom, a second toilet (yes, I am spoilt) and a rather peculiar three-quarter height room where the wardrobe is locate and which I use to store suitcases, an ironing board and other bits a pieces, are up a short flight of stairs. The building was originally supposed to have a Japanese design, with sliding screens, a wooden staircase and tatami matting in the spare room. At some point, the complex changed hands and was taken over by MGM (yes, THAT one), and so it now has a slightly more Vegas feel, with a fair amount of marble and lots of smoked mirrors. It’s minimal, open-plan (including the spaces upstairs) and just this side of good taste.

I love it. It’s a bit further from the bustle of central Beijing, out in the Southern District, or Fengtai, an area that was all rice paddies and little farms not that long ago. Now, it’s all superhighways, wide avenues and towers. I’m a 25-minute journey from the office by subway (no changes needed) and because I’ve chosen to be a bit further out, I’ve managed to get a bigger space for less money. 

Since I left quarantine, Beijing has slowly come back to life. As the trees blossomed, mostly cherry and almond (shades of Japan and Lebanon) and flowers began to appear, the scattering of people on the streets turned into a trickle, the trickle turned into a flow and finally, just last week, the flow turned into a stream. Today it was announced that Beijing’s strict quarantine measures have been lifted. Outside of Wuhan, nowhere had tighter regulations than the capital. Indeed until this morning, had I strayed beyond city limits, I would have had to go back into a two-week quarantine to get back in again. 

Masks, I’m told, are no longer required to be worn by law, by so far, most people still seem to have them on. It will probably take a few days for people to get used to not having to go out with one on, certainly it’s become second nature for me already, though I am can’t say I was looking forward to having to wear a mask now the weather is heating up.

And how summer has come upon us. Ten days ago, I was still comfortable in a light sweater, and needed a jacket at night. But this week, temperatures have soared, we should hit 37/38C over the weekend, though it’s expected to be much cooler next week.

Apparently Spring has not just sprung, it’s over, and though Beijing’s location on the edge of a desert, as well as in the path of cold winds straight out of Siberia means that large temperature fluctuations are normal, from here on in, it should be hothothot.

With the exception of a few tourist sights, museums, cinemas and parks, Beijing is open. The Forbidden City, which was closed in February, reopens tomorrow for May Day, though visitor numbers are being restricted for now, and with restrictions on travel within Hebei Province now relaxed, it will be possible to escape on day-trips and weekends to Tianjin, the wilder sections of the Great Wall and the canyons and temples of Cangyan. 

It’s been easy enough to get around fro the last few weeks, though going out isn’t hassle-free. While social distancing is not always observed on public transport, you were required by law to be masked at all times outdoors until today. So on the subway, for example, there are (or were, I’ll find out tomorrow) monitors whose job it is to ensure that everyone’s mask is properly fitted and to mildly chastise those who aren’t. 

While people don’t appear to be worried about infection – with a few exceptions, Beijing quickly became one of the safest places in the country thanks to draconian controls - I’ve noticed that people tend to keep their hands in their pockets and no one holds the handrail on the escalators. I also noticed that when someone on a subway carriage sneezes or coughs, a discrete but definite space forms around them. In any case, should you have had to touch something during your travels, most cafes, restaurants and offices have bottles of hand sanitizer at the door. 

For the most part, Beijing seems to be divided into residential compounds, and getting into those compounds is still not possible unless one is a resident. Why does this matter? Simply because many shops, restaurants and other services are inside the confines of those compounds. Thus my very first attempt to visit a supermarket resulted in being firmly, but very politely told that no, I could not go in to buy a couple of bottles of water, because I wasn’t a resident. 

“Try their website,” the helpful guardian told me in impeccably-clipped English, “they probably deliver.”

Most entrances and exits to compounds, malls and shops have been closed – again, it will be interesting to see whether in the coming days, these barriers are removed, or whether they will stay in place for a while longer -  forcing visitors to funnel through a single entrance where at a bare minimum, your temperature is taken and recorded. 

Some places also require that you leave your name, ID/passport number and phone number along with your temperature, so that you can be traced, should an outbreak happen in a place you have visited. Others also require that you produce electronic proof that you have not left Beijing in the last 14 days. Usually, this is done by scanning a QR code and entering your details, in exchange for which you are sent confirmation that you are safe. Or not. As there are several such systems, one of which is targeted at recent arrivals, as was the case when I tried to enter a hutong district last weekend with a Singaporean friend for Chinese afternoon tea in an old Beijing alley house, you are required to scan all of the appropriate QR codes before being allowed in. 

In a fun twist, one of the most widely used QR codes, the Travel Pass, comes in both a Chinese and an English-language version. This is obviously immensely helpful for people like me, who don’t then have to navigate in Mandarin, except for the fact that the Chinese version does not recognise non-Chinese names, and so at places that only have the Mandarin version of the code displayed – and this has happened to me on more than one occasion, including at said hutong - you are then unable to scan the code to confirm your status. 

Needless to say, this makes going out a little less than optimal. We only got past the two smiling but redoubtable neighbourhood Aunties who had been drafted in to monitor arrivals, and who viewed the arrival of not one, but two foreigners, one of whom was especially suspicious because he DIDN’T speak Mandarin, at the gates of their traditional neighbourhood of tile-roofed homes and narrow alleys because we called the tea house and the owners came out to escort us in.

 Thanks entirely to my Mandarin-speaking companion and the timely intercession of the tea house owners, who pointed out that while the suspicious foreigner was not able to get his Travel Pass to work – the Aunties seemed surprised to learn of the language issue – he did have two other passes that indicated he was approved as virus-free, and besides, they said, they were vouching for him as local residents, and so wouldn’t that do?

Thankfully, it seemed it would. Mollified, but still not entirely convinced they liked the cut of my jib, the Aunties permitted us passage and so, a lovely, traditional afternoon tea was finally had by all.

Blog: A (House) Hunting We Will Go

My 14 days in quarantine approach their end, in Beijing, self-isolation does not extend to a daily walk, or trips to ‘essential’ services and means staying firmly indoors, so I am very excited at the prospect of being unleashed upon the streets of my new, and as yet unseen, home. 

Tuesday morning, I will be driven to my new hotel in Beijing’s CBD, where I am hoping the Internet will be a little less prone to freezing up and where I will be able to explore my surroundings, and change my menu. For the last 12 days, breakfast, lunch and dinner have been provided by the Beipinglou Zhengyuan Catering Company, and while the meals have been delicious, I am looking forward to introducing a little variety. China has dozens of different regional cuisines to sample, and then there are the plethora of other Asian offerings, everything from Japanese, Korean, Mongolian, Thai, Vietnamese, Indonesian and Indian to work my way through. It would be rude not to do them all justice.

My new hotel, the contemporary-sounding 5L, is across the road from the China World Mall (Reader, I shall not be visiting) and is about a 10-minute walk from the office. Not that I shall be going into the office just yet. CGTN are erring on the side of caution, and so I will not be passing through the doors of Minjheer Koolhaas’ magnificent gravity-defying steel and glass hollow trapezoid until April 14th. 

While I will be working from the 5L, I also intend to make the most of my liberty. I have an entire city to explore, although how much of it is still closed remains to be seen. If it is open, my first jaunt may well be to the terrace of the Mandarin Oriental bar for a celebratory cocktail. It overlooks the Forbidden City and as the palaces are still closed, at least according to the website, the MO is about as close as I’m likely to get for now. That said, a number of other historic sites have reopened, including some sections of the Great Wall, and in town, several museums and the stunning Temple of Heaven, so if not before, I shall be indulging my inner emperor next weekend.

There’s a bit to get done before then, though. Work aside, I’ll be taken on Wednesday to get a local bank account and telephone number, and will undergo the mandatory health check for the residency permit. After that, one of my main extra-curricular pursuits will be flat hunting. 

As with so much of life these days, that has become complicated. Leaving aside one perennial factor - that rents are apparently higher in the winter than in the summer, making this the wrong time of year for flat hunting - there are two Covid-related complications. 

Firstly, some landlords are now unwilling to rent to non-Chinese, even though it is technically illegal to discriminate. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it is not possible to visit most of the places up for rent, as access to residential neighbourhoods is still strictly controlled. A fair percentage of apartments are located in compounds, which can now only be entered through designated gates, where those seeking ingress must submit to temperature control and demonstrate proof of residency to be admitted. While this does not apply to delivery services, in apparently usually does to anyone hoping to look at a flat. 

Of course, it is entirely possible to secure a flat without stepping foot inside it. Agents are offering to film videos tours, though that does mean they might choose to overlook a flat’s flaws. Similarly, while apps and websites like Lianjia, Ziroom, Wellcee and the classifieds section of The Beijinger, make it is easy to hunt at a distance, doing so does require one to take it on trust that images accurately reflect the property. And there is sufficient reason to believe that some do not. As I have been warned, and have indeed begun to discover for myself, some agents post deliberately misleading photographs to attract more enquiries. 

While some listings are photo(shopped) to varying degrees of Instaperfection, most seem to have been shot after a hard-core night on the tiles; lighting is off, focus is blurred, angles are skewed and close-ups/partials feature heavily, making it (deliberately) difficult to form an accurate impression. In addition, little effort is made to make places look presentable. Instead, they are shot in a ‘come-as-you-are’ fashion, beds unmade, clothes strewn on the floor, furniture covered in piles of accreted junk, kitchens looking like they’ve just been used to cook for an army. Or been invaded by one. Throw in furniture that is as uncomfortable to look at as it must be to sit on, peeling wallpaper, flaking paint, missing door handles and water stains on the parquet flooring, and you have the flat-hunting equivalent of Lurid Digs. Minus the hilarious/heart-breaking nude shots.

I’m not suggesting that Beijing has a monopoly on less-than-appetising housing, though it does seem to specialise in the small and the awkwardly laid-out, at least at my end of the market. I’d need to be paying double my current budget to get the kind of place that makes my heart beat faster. Rents here are eye watering, though thankfully, everything else is much, much cheaper.

I’ll admit to being picky. I’d much rather rent an unfurnished flat and slowly furnish it – all you need is a bed to begin - than endure other people’s taste, but for some reason, that seems to be difficult to arrange through agents. Nor do I mind an unorthodox layout if I it gets me light and space in return. The last ‘flat’ I rented in London was on a pre-refurbishment Peabody Estate – Victorian housing for the working poor, for those who may not know - and so had a combined kitchen/bathroom, and while there was a wall between the cooker and the toilet (not all the flats had that ‘luxury’), it was still possible to turn the kettle on from the comfort of the commode. 

I’m also willing to live somewhere I don’t like until I find somewhere I love. It took four dispiriting years to find my beloved rooftop in Beirut, and I spent a year in the world’s most soulless, cinder-coloured prefab flat in Takasaki before I lucked upon the gorgeous tatami-matted, shoji-walled wooden garden house I enjoyed for my last two years in Japan’s navel. That’s the Japanese description of Gunma Prefecture, btw, not mine. Personally, I’d locate Takasaki somewhat lower down the human body. And on the other side.

So, I suppose that the long and short of this is to say that while I cannot wait to throw myself into Beijing life and look forward eagerly to welcoming guests at some point, it now seems likely I will not be in a position to do so just yet. Perhaps not even this year. Not that many of you are likely contemplating intercontinental travel when it now takes 8 hours just to move to the top of the online grocery shopping queue. But rest assured, I shall be tireless. My on-going quest for the year will be to either find a stunning 37th Floor flat with killer skyline views, or the most beautifully-restored hutong house in town. And once I do, as the Lebanese like to say, beiti beitak.

Oh and in case you thought I was exaggerating about those flat hunting website shots, feast your eyes on these. Click, for the full g(l)ory.

Blog: A Cool, Refreshing Glass of Fetal Treasure.

Hello China: the view from my room (such as it is)

Hello China: the view from my room (such as it is)

All things considered, quarantine is going pretty well. 

Now in my 7th day (or 6th, if Monday, the day I arrived is not counted), I haven’t felt the walls closing in, or the desire to squeeze through the window to freedom. Mostly, that’s because doing so would be followed by a four storey drop, and also because the window is on a horizontal hinge, and so doesn’t even open up far enough for Michael Jackson to dangle Blanket (shortly after renamed Prince Michael Jackson II and now Bigi), successfully. 

I find I have plenty to do. I have to report my temperature to reception and the office twice a day, at 9am and 4pm. I order my meals through the restaurant associated with the hotel, and they are deposited on a chair outside my door. Then, between online Chinese lessons, browsing the Internet (welcome back, Reddit), reading (thank God I swallowed my misgivings (and my scruples) and bought a Kindle), and a bit of yoga, the days have flown by. It also helps that on Friday, I started working, with my first job writing a summary of the online forum on Covid-19 CGTN hosted on Friday night.

Outside, the weather has been consistently beautiful, bright blue skies and crisp air, and while that has led to occasional pangs, especially after watching a BBC clip about life slowly getting back to normal elsewhere in Beijing, it’s definitely better than grey and rainy. As much as lovelovelove a blustery day, I’m not sure it would improve the view from my window, which is industrial, but perhaps not chic.

So I’ve managed to stay chipper. A colleague downstairs hasn’t fared as well. A smoker, he lost his lighter on the plane and today, he confessed that he had tried to make a ‘prison lighter’ using a battery and a piece of metal (I didn’t asked how he learned about that. Or where.) and was even trying to refract sunlight through a water bottle. 

But I’m obnoxiously fine. Not even Damien, aka The Demon Child, and his shrieking mother in Room 436 across the hall, who punctuate the day with regular bouts of crying and shouting, or the occasional odour of cigarette smoke wafting through the vent in the bathroom, have managed to dampen my spirits. While this level of neighbourly noise would normally make my blood boil - yes, The Greens Dubai, I’m looking at you - I am currently in a sufficiently Zen place to empathise, and also to appreciate that being locked in a room for 14 days alone is infinitely preferable to being locked in a room for 14 days with someone else. Particularly when that someone else is too young to understand why he can’t go outside. Rosemary, you have my sympathies.

The interwebs also keep one in ‘contact’. The wonders of Skype, and a card linked to a bank account outside Lebanon, thus freely giving me access to all online services (Beirut, I still love you), mean that I’ve been able to keep in touch with my Dad more easily, which is good, as he’s currently back in hospital again. My future colleagues at CGTN – I say future, because we’ve not yet met IRL – are solicitous and regularly ask me if everything is going well. The food is delicious (hello, Scrambled Eggs with Fungus) and although the Internet slows to a crawl at time (it’s the hotel, not China), I haven’t had too many problems using a VPN. This is helpful as a number of the sites I’m visit to catch up with friends  – FB, Google, Gmail, Whatsapp, Instagram – are currently blocked. Though I miss Google and Whatsapp (well, when I’m not VPNing), when it comes to FB and Instagram, inaccessibility might be a good thing.

The app everyone uses here is WeChat. It seems to combine aspects of all the above, and more. I’ve not yet fully explored its possibilities, but it combines instant messaging with news and articles and you can post photos and stories. It also functions as a payment platform, so you can order food, pay bills, rent, buy sofas, you know, useful things like that, and includes a nifty translation subroutine, so you can easily translate messages sent to you in Mandarin.

I also use Google Translate, mostly for the camera function, which WeChat does not seem to have yet. I downloaded the Mandarin file before I left, so it works offline and for the most part, it functions perfectly, though I’ve noticed that when it comes to translations through the camera,  it is less reliable, especially when it comes to names and places. The Chinese characters on my bottled water, for example, which is labelled C’estbon (one word, no spaces) in English, translate through the camera function as ‘Fetal Treasure’ on Google. Hence today’s title.

Aimed at the menu I order my lunches and dinners from, it produces the kind of clangers you used to see on websites devoted to mocking translations around the world. While that mockery was mostly devoted to translations into English - you know in that irritating Anglo ‘foreigners, eyeroll’ kind of way - cultural crossed-wires cut both ways. I still remember VWs embarrassing climb-down after they released the Nova in Latin America, and had to be told that this probably wasn’t the best name for a car. 

Think about it.

So, Chinese produces even greater opportunity for such mix-ups, as most characters have multiple and sometimes multiple, multiple meanings. This means each can be read (and sometimes also pronounced) in a number of different ways, which must make it a lot of fun to play on words, here. Specific meaning is determined by context. And Google Translate, running on an algorithm, isn’t quite there when it comes to context. Thus, it can’t work out that ‘Wooden Erythers’ are unlikely to feature on a restaurant menu and nor would Dried Partial Beans, Sriffy the Potato, Sack Sauce (I suspect that one’s just missing an ‘of’), Tools Stew, or Fragrance with Fish, though admittedly, that does sound delightful.

Of course (he says, with no trace of hyperbole), I should soon be able to read those menus for myself, for you see, my dear 朋友, I plan to become as fluent as possible, in the shortest time possible. And yes, you may remind me of that promise in a year’s time. By which time I hope to be able to blithely reply 但是我当然会说普通话 !  农民, 你不能吗 ?

Blog: Travel, in an Age of Plague

New regulations regarding foreign arrivals have just gone into effect, and so it is somewhat chaotic at Beijing Capital Airport. We land at around 1:30 pm, and sit on the tarmac for 30, maybe 40 minutes, before being let off the plane in rows of three. We are to undergo an initial temperature test in the aerobridge, and the ground staff are trying to avoid creating a bottleneck. This isn’t the first such test, mind you, the cabin crew have taken our temperatures three times during the flight from London, already. 

Of course, we have all flown masked, and quite a few of the other passengers are more comprehensively kitted out. Many are wearing rubber gloves, and a number are also in goggles and disposable protective overalls. A few even wear see-through hoods over their masks.

The airport has been temporarily rearranged to funnel arriving passengers through a corridor of orange-clad hoardings. We trek past health advisory notices and bottles of hand sanitizer conveniently located on desks along the way, passing airport staff or medical teams, it’s hard to tell who is what, as everyone is masked and wearing white protective coveralls and goggles, and have plastic bags taped around their shoes. 

My temperature is taken again and I hand in my health declaration, filled out on the flight. We pass a bank of devices that I suppose must be temperature detectors, manned by a white-suited trio with full-on gas masks and clipboards. It could almost be a scene out of 28 Days Later, or The Andromeda Strain.

Following a winding route up and down a couple of escalators to get to Immigration, we’re divided into two groups - those that have baggage, those that don’t. I’m a bit surprised but later, I discover the logic. 

I have bags, so I join that queue. When I get to the counter, I’m told I need an Arrival form. That’s obvious enough, but I seem to have missed them on the way. The female guard says something to me in Mandarin and waves vaguely towards the other side of the room. I don’t understand more than a handful of phrases yet - learning to speak properly is one of my side goals in coming here - and I can’t see where she means for me to go, but she looks so hot and tired behind her goggles that I don’t ask again. Luckily, another passenger steps in and translates. 

I return with the card. There are constant announcements, but they are all in Chinese, so I only understand the ‘xie xies’ and a few numbers. I get to the counter, take off my mask for the photo and wait while the officer fiddles with my passport. It takes a while and he asks me a few questions. I strain to hear. He’s masked, behind a glass screen, speaking into a crackling microphone, and my ear hasn’t yet accustomed to the cadence of Chinese English, so we need a few tries to understand each other. Thankfully, he’s calm, polite and helpful. There’s no screaming at hapless passengers who obviously can’t understand, something quite a few Homeland Security officers I’ve had the displeasure of encountering over the years would do well to emulate. 

Then, it’s another, long, circuitous route up escalators, along corridors, down escalators, and around corners, following signs that often point in opposite directions, to reach Baggage Claim. We pass the hand luggage scanner on the way. The woman at the machine waves me through with a smile. Well, I think she’s smiling. Her eyes crinkle, but of course, I can’t tell because of her mask and hooded suit. How easily and quickly our world is dehumanised. I offer her my first ‘xie xie ni’. 

The signs lead me to a scrum of people. They’re waiting to descend yet another escalator to an area that has been repurposed for baggage claim, but the way forward is roped off, guarded by a poor, harried China Air representative, suited and booted like everyone else. Here, traces of irritation erupt, as passengers start clamouring to be let through. Slight but fierce, the Rep holds them back. I discover from another helpful traveller who translates for me, that we are going to be called plane by plane, to claim our bags. There are a lot of planes to be called.

“Find somewhere and sit,” she advises me, “it will be a long time.” 

Her friend who landed yesterday apparently waited 5 hours for her bag. 

It’s now just after 3:15. My stomach rumbles ominously. The Air China meal was basic and none of the kiosks in the airport are open, and I don’t have coins for the vending machines. I’m beginning to regret not packing a meal. 

Repeated messages over the tannoy helpfully remind us that we must all wear masks, and stand a metre apart, but good luck doing that in the baggage claim scrum. I hold my ground for the next hour and half, as there are no empty seats anyway, and I worry that I might miss the announcement for my flight - gio san ba in Mandarin - but by 4:30, I’m tired of standing, and go off in search of a seat. 

I’d had to queue for two and a half hours at Heathrow to check in - the ticketing system in T3 was seized up, and so it had been chaos there, too – so I decide that however much longer I have to wait today, I’ll do it as comfortably as possible. I fish a chocolate bar out of my bag and lifting my mask, I nibble. I’m briefly reminded of women in the Gulf lifting their niqabs to do much the same.

Victory finally comes at quarter to six and we are allowed into what turns out to be a transit lounge, where our luggage has been laid out. I pick mine up and then one of the overall-clad helpers points me towards another queue. We are to wait for a bus, which will take us to Beijing Expo, where we will be screened and, should we pass, be assigned hotels. Existing hotel reservations are no longer valid, as under the new regulations, only designated hotels are permitted to host arriving passengers during the mandatory 14-day quarantine we must all undergo. 

When we do eventually drive off, it is painfully slowly. It’s almost 6:30 and I’m desperate to leave the confines of Beijing Capital Airport behind. Plus, the facemask is beginning to feel suffocating. I miss the feeling of fresh air on my face.

We exit via a security gate and outside, a police car, lights flashing, awaits. It will be our escort to the Expo. At another time, you’d be forgiven for thinking our bus contained an important international delegation, or a bunch of notorious criminals. Not that the one necessarily cancels out the other. 

We drive slowly, oh so very slowly, through the deserted streets. As a final goodbye, our bus is sprayed with disinfectant before we leave the airport grounds. It is now 18:34 and I am officially starving.

There isn’t much to see out of the windows. It’s quite dark and the trees are still bare, though as we landed, I did notice that some were covered in the first delicate flush of spring buds. But all I can see now is a wintery landscape of leafless trees, large buildings lining even larger boulevards, and the occasional bright flash of passing trains from the elevated subway tracks overhead. No one is talking but after the incessant announcements at the airport, the silence is welcome.

There is a small gobbet of mucus on the window ledge just in front of to me. Someone has sneezed and it has been missed in the clean-up. I noticed at the airport that every surface was constantly being disinfected and on the plane, the woman next to me, who was completely enshrouded in protective gear, wiped the armrests with alcohol rub before sitting down. Now, we’re sat in a bus without ventilation, slowly heating the interior with our bodies and (masked) exhalations. Could there be a more ideal environment for a virus to spread? I begin to appreciate why some people are wearing gloves. The driver is safe, as he’s been screened off behind a plastic sheet.

There are few cars, and even fewer people on Beijing’s streets tonight, though I do spot one man queuing for food at what looks like a roast chicken takeaway. I’m mostly vegetarian (with occasional lapses) but my stomach rumbles ominously in response. 

The only reason I know that this bus is taking me to Beijing Expo to be sorted, and not off to somewhere else, is thanks to a steady stream of updates from the HR people at CGTN, the company I’ve come here to work for. Without them, I would have little idea what's happening, as I don’t yet speak enough Mandarin, and no one really speaks enough English. Consequently, one of the more common sights at Beijing Capital is of bewildered foreigners wandering around looking lost. And dazed. Thankfully, all the ground staff are as helpful as they can be, under what must be extremely trying circumstances.

Few cities should be arrived in by night. Streets empty and illuminated in the harsh glare of sodium bulbs - a lighting solution that can only have been thought up by someone who hated architecture and people - even the most beautiful tend to look desolate, especially on the way in from the airport. 

Twenty minutes later, we reach the Expo. Things here are under better control and it has been transformed into a model of (noisy) efficiency. We’re briskly separated into the cities and districts we live in, for processing. I don’t yet have a home, but as it will likely be in the (massive) Chaoyang District, for that’s where the office is, I pick there. 

Forms have to be filled out but thankfully, they’re easy enough and I quickly get assigned a hotel, the Huiquiao, the only hotel in Chaoyang now allowed to accept foreigners for quarantine. 

I had thought I might be given more thorough testing here, but as I’ve passed the temperature test on numerous occasions – despite my hot head, I apparently run slightly cold, at 35.7C – all I have to do now is wait for the bus to the hotel. 

My group is mostly Chinese, though I notice someone of South Asian origin, possibly Pakistani. He looks a bit sweaty, and eyes me warily, so I leave him alone. There’s also the Peruvian woman I bumped into at the airport who flew in on Aeromexico, an airline none of the baggage control people seemed to have heard of before. When I last saw her, she was panicking over her bags, so I’m glad to see she has been reunited with them. 

It’s clocking on for 9pm and it’s been a long day for everyone. Some of the passengers are not taking things calmly. I hear shouting in Chinese a few times, and once in Russian, outbursts presumably from people unhappy they will not be allowed to self-quarantine at home, or at the hotel they had originally booked. 

When our bus is called, our little group tramps across the disinfectant-slicked floor, then along a stretch of red carpet, where we do not experience an Oscar moment, and past blue and white banners emblazoned with stirring slogans of togetherness and determination. 

“We are always with you, as long as you need us”, one reads, while others exhort us all to fight as one, to never forget love and finally, over the exit, another reminds us reassuringly that “Spring always puts Winter to an end”. 

At just after nine, the bus pulls out from the Expo. As we drive off – thankfully without a police escort, so we can travel at normal speed – I see throngs of people still being processed inside. I do not envy the medical teams their job, and can only imagine the incredible strain they are, and have been under, since this outbreak began. They have truly done their utmost to make this new, and very difficult situation as smooth as possible.

There are stops at other hotels along the way, so it is almost 11 by the time I finally get the key to my room. I’m too tired to eat, so I polish off a bottle of water, strip and collapse into bed. And so, my quarantine begins.